Get · a · Blog

I feel like my life is a game. And I know what I want to do, but it doesn't follow the rules of the game. But I have to keep playing the game because everyone expects me to. My mom, my family, my teachers, future employers; they all expect me to follow the rules of the game. The game is a normal hairstyle, and clothes from the mall, and home furnishings from Target. And the game is college and a career and getting married and settling down and making more money than Jack or Jill. The game is respecting people because of their position. The game is being creative within limits. The game is team sports at school. It's pretending to say grace and mumbling my "amen"s.

I hate it. But I feel that if I stop playing, I'll lose all of the comfort that comes with it. I'm afraid that I'm not determined enough or good enough or productive enough to be able to afford to stop playing. I'm afraid that I will not be able to be sucessful outside of the rules. I'm afraid.

Fuck.

Current Location:	living room
Current Mood:	thoughtful
Current Music:	Bad Brains

I feel like s-h-i-t.

Not only did I not get to go to a show today, but I also sat around on my ass and was completely useless.

Then I texted Cory (and others) and realized that he probably hasn't been lying to me and is legitimately busy and now I feel like an asshole of galactic proportions.

And then I did some thinking about how I do nothing at all to contribute to anything and I should probably fix that. Maybe I will learn drums and join a band and finally work on the zine and learn how to skateboard and go to shows and paint on things and make some clothes and bake a cake and finally feel like I'm worth something.

=(

Current Location:	couch
Current Mood:	blah
Current Music:	dead milkmen